Today I said goodbye one last time to the man who raised me...my dad. I went to one of his favorite fishing spots on the river and we sat together on the bank one last time. I wished him well and peace in the afterlife and asked him to look out for me as I embark on a new chapter in my life. It was a moment that I hadn't realized I had needed for a long time.
As I watched the river take him on his journey I looked down the bank and saw a sight that made the moment very painful. A father and his daughter were sitting a short distance down the bank, he was teaching the girl how to bait a hook and she shook her head profusely at her father's attempt to get her to touch the worm. The little girl was eating a White Castle burger and complaining loudly that she was not gonna touch that worm. The dad asked what she was going to use to bait her hook and she offered up the burger she had been eating on. To many this sight would not be sad but rather amusing, to me it was like looking back into the past.
In that moment it was as if the universe was letting me know that life carries on no matter what. You see, 35 years ago, in the same spot I was sitting a very similar scene played out. My dad and I had the very same discussion and I too was unwilling to stab the worm with the hook. My father told me back then that I had better toughen up or the world was gonna eat me alive. Eventually I did toughen up, but that little girl who hated hurting anything else in nature was always just under the surface waiting for the chance to just be in the light and take on the world by her rules and not the demands set but the life she was forced to lead.
Recently I decided to take a chance and not only let that little girl out but to completely start over again and live my life in the way I had always wanted to, not in the way I was told I had to. I have been trying to let things go and just be happy, some days that is a profoundly difficult task as I have been conditioned for so long to be that tough person. So far the experience has been pretty wonderful as I feel more alive than I have felt in years. I hope today my father would be proud of me for not letting the worst of he world drag me under, but I'm sure he would be shaking his head at me giving everything up to start over again.
Today has ended up being a strange day indeed, in saying goodbye to dear old dad I also said good bye to the life he thought I needed to live to survive in the world. I feel a little lighter by letting go of the past, but I do still fear the unknown. I feel happiness in giving up the material things that have been cluttering up my life, but I still want to cling to some of them as they make me feel safe. I have let go of my daddy's hand and said goodbye.
What ever the future holds for me good or bad I will be taking chances and leaps of faith and in the end I will at least know that I gave myself the chance. So today I also say goodbye to the fears and pain of the past and look forward to dancing in the sunlight of my future.
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