Turn It Up!

So today I've decided to write about the only love in my life that has never let me down...music.

Why, you may ask, do I love music...well the answer is simple.  In good times and bad times there has always been a song in my heart.  It is the only constant companion that I have had for as long as I can remember.  Music is that one thing that even when the world is falling apart around me it is there to lift me up, share my pain, or just help me to let it all out.

To me music is the best way of remembering moments in life.  When a certain song comes on the radio and you remember a happy moment shared with friends and family, when a song reminds you of someone who is no longer in your life and you shed a tear in remembrance, when that one song that just fits the moment perfectly and it puts into words all the things you cannot say, those are the things that I cherish the most about music.

Music can be a means of escape from the things that are burdening you.  When you listen to a certain song and you feel yourself just get lost in the melody or the poetry of the lyrics if only for a short while you are able to get a small escape.  Music can transport you to that beach on a clear sunny day or take you to a walk in the woods as autumn leaves show you Mother Nature's glory.

Music can take the raw emotions of anger and fear and give you a means to let them out without causing any hurt.

Music can inspire you to create.  It can be the inspiration to write that poem, paint that painting, do the things you've always wanted to do.

Music means so many things to so many people and I could never imagine my world without it, so my lovelies as Skynyrd says "Turn It Up" and let's all enjoy the ride.

A sad afternoon

So there's this guy, a guy that as soon as I met I knew I wanted to be with.  We share so many interests and whenever I'm around him my heart just can't handle all of the love it feels.  He is that other half I've been waiting for my whole life.  This guy is in love with someone else who is with someone else.  He wants her and has for awhile.  In the meantime I want him so badly that I am willing to bare my soul and all of its darkest secrets, and so I did.

Now I'm trying to hold on to my heart and my dignity as I was told that gee you're  great and we have so much in common, but I would rather be with someone who basically has disregarded me for two years but that I have physical attraction to.  And I don't want to give you a chance because even though you're great, I'm not physically attracted to you.

So now I stand here wondering is physical attraction really that important in a relationship?  This guy is not super cute but just kind of an average looking person but I didn't fall for his looks I fell for the beauty inside.  Am I a dying breed?  Has the world become so superficial that inner beauty is dead?  

I'm feeling crushed by the pain in my heart that inner beauty is discounted so easily by anyone, but especially by someone that I thought so highly of.

What About Love?

So here I am again attempting to get my head together.  One of the many things that has been weighing heavily on my mind is love.  So today I am going to talk about it.

What is love?  

Well Merriam Webster defines love as a (1)  :  strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child>  (2)  :  attraction based on sexual desire :  affection and tenderness felt by lovers(3)  :  affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>

b  :  an assurance of affection <give her my love>.
Me I think love can be defined as one of the most beautiful and one of the most tragic events in your life in one giant roller coaster of emotions.  I compare it to an amusement ride because we fear it, enjoy the thrill, or even face it just to be brave.  What ever the reason, we all go for a ride of emotions that are full of ups and downs starting off with that big plunge when you fall over that fist drop.
Love is feeling a deeper connection than just companionship or comradely it is an emotion that creeps into your very soul and overthrows your heart and mind.  It's a strange feeling, once you experience it in it's purest form it becomes more like a drug and less like an emotion.  It consumes you and you have thoughts and desires that are alien to your normal self.  When love flows through you it is suddenly not all about you but also about this other person who made their way into your heart.  You begin to change when you fall in love, you become more vulnerable but more importantly you become a part of someone else.  
And becoming part of someone else well that is sometimes the kick in the teeth.  Not everyone you fall in love with is going to love you the same way you love them, or sometimes even love you back at all.  You cannot help who your heart chooses, you can only hope that in the end it all works out.  Love is always there somewhere, whether it's for your family, friends, or that special someone and even when it kicks you in the teeth you will still always long for it.
I truly hope that everyone finds that one true love that you just know the moment you meet, that one that you fight for, that one that makes you feel crazy because there is no better feeling than being in love.

Care to play with my madness?

So my therapist thinks I should go back to writing again as a way to get everything that is running amuck in my mind out and address it.  This blog area will be the new home for my mental ramblings.  I'm not for the faint of heart,  this is an honest raw emotion blog to help me cope with problems, issues, feelings and other random thoughts. I am leaving it public so that maybe someone else will be helped or inspired or maybe just warned that depression and anxiety are real problems that need to be addressed.  Having said all of the warnings...on with the show.

So how do I feel? 

I'm feeling insecure and alone.  

I'm feeling needy and unloved.  

I'm feeling like I don't matter enough to the people I want to matter to.

What am I doing to make the negatives positive?

I'm reaching out and letting my feelings be known even if they are not returned.

I'm not pretending to be ok with situations that bother me, I'm voicing my opinion and not sugar coating it to save someone else's feelings.

I'm going after what I want and I am not going to give up on my hopes and dreams.

So where does it all lead to?

Well hopefully by being just plain old me, I will get the things I want in life.

What do I want in life?

Love

Companionship 

Compassion 

Better health

Feeling safe and secure 

Family 

Happiness 

These life goals are not going to be easy, but I refuse to give up and I will keep fighting the good fight.

On saying goodbye

Today I said goodbye one last time to the man who raised me...my dad.  I went to one of his favorite fishing spots on the river and we sat together on the bank one last time.   I wished him well and peace in the afterlife and asked him to look out for me as I embark on a new chapter in my life.  It was a moment that I hadn't realized I had needed for a long time.   

As I watched the river take him on his journey I looked down the bank and saw a sight that made the moment very painful. A father and his daughter were sitting a short distance down the bank, he was teaching the girl how to bait a hook and she shook her head profusely at her father's attempt to get her to touch the worm.   The little girl was eating a White Castle burger and complaining loudly that she was not gonna touch that worm.  The dad asked what she was going to use to bait her hook and she offered up the burger she had been eating on.  To many this sight would not be sad but rather amusing, to me it was like looking back into the past.

In that moment it was as if the universe was letting me know that life carries on no matter what.  You see, 35 years ago, in the same spot I was sitting a very similar scene played out.  My dad and I had the very same discussion and I too was unwilling to stab the worm with the hook.  My father told me back then that I had better toughen up or the world was gonna eat me alive.  Eventually I did toughen up, but that little girl who hated hurting anything else in nature was always just under the surface waiting for the chance to just be in the light and take on the world by her rules and not the demands set but the life she was forced to lead.

Recently I decided to take a chance and not only let that little girl out but to completely start over again and live my life in the way I had always wanted to, not in the way I was told I had to.  I have been trying to let things go and just be happy, some days that is a profoundly difficult task as I have been conditioned for so long to be that tough person.  So far the experience has been pretty wonderful as I feel more alive than I have felt in years. I hope today my father would be proud of me for not letting the worst of he world drag me under, but I'm sure he would be shaking his head at me giving everything up to start over again.

Today has ended up being a strange day indeed, in saying goodbye to dear old dad I also said good bye to the life he thought I needed to live to survive in the world.  I feel a little lighter by letting go of the past, but I do still fear the unknown.   I feel happiness in giving up the material things that have been cluttering up my life, but I still want to cling to some of them as they make me feel safe.  I have let go of my daddy's hand and said goodbye.

What ever the future holds for me good or bad I will be taking chances and leaps of faith and in the end I will at least know that I gave myself the chance.  So today I also say goodbye to the fears and pain of the past and look forward to dancing in the sunlight of my future.